So, i guess today isn't a good day. I'm kinda lost in the darkness of nothingness, numb perhaps. And seriously, I loathe such moments, they bring nothing but tears, agony and discomfort. Sigh-
I pondered over his questions last night, Why do I choose to stay by his side even when he doesn't promise me any commitment, when he tells me to quit on and off because we can never be sure of our future, why do I choose to continue every time, ignoring all his bad qualities and the pains he inflicts me?! Why do I only consider him 'the one' ? Why do I always look at the brighter side of the picture?
I couldn't come up with any logical explanation but one thing that answers all of the above queries; Love . I have so much love for him which is enough to ignore all the pessimism in life, no matter if I get an equal amount of love or less, I am going to hold him in esteem, forever. I have considered him to be the fragrance of my life which I cherish every second of my existence. All the days I have spent with him are indeed the most magnificent ones. You know O, I value every word that comes out of your mouth, how you sing for me late at nights, how you call my name, it feels so different in your mouth, how you let me cuddle into your arms.. and a million things I could pen down here which makes me fall for you deeper every day.
Never I can feel the same for another man, I know that now. I couldn't fall in love again, I hate to picture my life without you. I cannot make peace with the fact that there's a slightest possibility I could lose you. I know that it doesn't bother you much and you think life goes on but I think its going to take a lifetime for me to move on if god forbids, we don't end up together. Dear Lord, why can't I craft my life according to my desires?
O, I would never be able to explain what I hold for you, your love has transformed me into a much better woman. I have molded my perceptions, priorities, my thoughts and decisions to fit in with your needs, cause in the end, its your smile that makes my life complete. I believe in magic, miracles, happy endings and beautiful stories, at least I'm going to strive for my story, I don't want it to end tragically, NEVER! But, I cannot do it all by myself, I need your support, your assurance, I need to know you're there with me, to fight back all the hurdles.
No, I’m not going to lose feelings. No, I’m not going to find someone better. No, I’m not going to cheat on you. And no, I’m not going to leave you. I’ve already made up my mind, I want you and only you. No one else.. Because to me, you’re my kind of perfect. The slightest idea of losing you, even for a few moments, brings my heartbeat to a sudden halt. It rips me apart .. brings so much pain and tears all at once. And the sad part is, you never console me with your warmth and love. O, I need your assurance, not that I doubt your love, but I need to know that you need me as much as I do. I want to make life perfect for us, beautifying each and every moment till I breathe my last. But, whenever you tell me to quit, on such petty issues, feels like if I don't matter or that you would choose any other woman over me, it hurts to even imagine somebody else there. O, I don't want to cry .. am tired of crying ..