Perpetual source of fear.

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I was wandering about. Meandering from place to place with no origin or destination. No beginning or end. I'd figure things out on the way. Bit by bit. Step by step. I'd play it by ear. I was grateful for what I received and content, regardless of whether the days were sunny or sunless, clear or clouded, murky or menacing. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to be. Nothing to find. Only to be found. By death, one day.

And then, I met him. This uneventful life suddenly became a horror movie. Where I'd previously found solace and comfort now lay a more frightening proposition. Each passing moment rolling on to the next. Seconds into days into years. Weird that a second would last forever and yet weeks could fade in a heartbeat. Every tick on the clock wistful. Each fleeting moment haunting. A perpetual source of fear and foreboding.

Love. In it, I was educated overnight, and not much by choice. Wanting someone. Needing them. Not simply as a means of sustenance but as nourishment for the soul, and fuel for the heart, its engines humming for once and its pulse echoing into my bones. Loss, now, is imbibed with meaning and a persistent melancholy. Desire makes sense. Sadness and emptiness have a dimension to them, even texture. A depth I can't seem to reach the end of. That's new.

I'm also alive now in a way I've never been. That's scary.

What was easy once is now impossible. I can't fathom living in a universe that doesn't have him in it. I've never met anyone or anything I was this frightened to lose or this petrified of having. I've seen him light up the world, which until this point I'd surmised was just a was a figure of speech. 

He's magic and warmth. The chicken soup for my heart. A warm blanket in the thick of winter. An idyllic reverie. The weight of a cosmic force beating me into submission. My stoic defiance yielding to the this feeling I can neither escape nor contain. To be in love is a privilige and burden all the same. Am I its master or slave, I can't tell the difference. I'm as free as a cloud in the heavens and as anchored as a shipwreck on the ocean floor.

He's a delightful treat and a grotesque torment and everything pales in comparison to the light of his existence. I'm overjoyed in his presence. Almost weightless. Unfettered.

For better or worse, this is how it is. I'll do what I can to live with it. It's an anguish I'd never wish on my worst enemy. But its not something I can relinquish either. I'll let this torment haunt me for now. 

Why not? It's only a small price to pay.