Since the last few months I have been facing certain mishaps in my relationship. Seems like things have gotten jinxed, I’m very much superstitious when it comes to this ‘nazar-thing’. O, who used to tell me on and off that we’re going to make it beautiful together and that we’re meant to be together, now doubts if we could ever end up happily. Mistakes, expectations turned down are all part of a relationship but does that mean losing hopes? I can’t foresee what’s kept for us but at least I can try and work out things as much as I can.
I have always been an introspective person, and so, I have been pondering over these issues, analyzing myself and then him, thinking over where I went wrong or if he’s just fed up.. and so on. I have learned a lot out of all the downfalls I have faced in the last few weeks. And finally, when I couldn’t come up with any conclusion, I pledged to do everything in my capacity to give him what he wants, and save my relation for it’s the most precious thing to me.
Few important things I have learned during the past few horrible weeks. The first is forgiveness and the second is that you can't change others, only yourself. For me they kind of go hand in hand. I learned that for my own health I needed to forgive this person even if they didn't forgive me. Without forgiveness, I couldn't free myself of the hatred I felt. Without forgiveness, I couldn't look for a fresh start. Without forgiveness, I couldn't deal with things calmly.
Forgiveness is so much easier said than done. It means that you have to let go of all the thoughts of "but they did this" and "but that's on them" and "well if they hadn't been like this". You honestly have to let it all wash away and that is not easy. It doesn't mean that you have to let them do those things all over again, or even have them in your life, but you have to let go of all the negative thoughts.
After the forgiveness, I focused on the fact that I personally could never make this person change their ways to my liking. The only person I have control of is ‘Myself’. Through that knowledge I am now able to control my actions better. This person may try to get under my skin and make me blow up as I used to, but now they can't because I am in complete control of my actions. I may not be able to control how they react, but with my new outlook I can better manage myself and control my own temperament and the things that come out of my mouth.
Another thing that I learned is that I should stop expecting him to acknowledge things that I have done. He doesn’t have to send me a letter just because I have sent him one. He don't have to praise me for a meal I cooked or thank me for something little I have done for him because in all honesty I am doing it because I want to and that should be enough. I used to feel a little bit jaded because I felt like he didn't appreciate me or the certain amount of effort it took me to do certain things, but now, I realized that it is true...I am doing it for ‘him’ cause I want to see him happy and because in the end, it makes me happy and there is nothing wrong with that.
Overall my biggest pledge is that I have to make the choices in life that I can live with. I have to do things for me, and I don't say that in some individualistic way that I never think of anyone else or specifically ‘him’, I say it because in order to make him happy, I have to be happy. If I take the time to really think about the choices that I make in life, I can remove all the bad feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, shame and envy. I can really keep up a healthy relationship and that knowledge is a feeling.
And O,I choose to be by your side; no matter if you don’t promise me a commitment or you get unsure about our future life. I choose to be there, and walk all the hurdles with you and see what destiny has kept for me. I am sure my determination and faith in my relationship wouldn’t end up in vain.